Tornado Brain

I'm finding that the hardest thing about life with a baby right now is that nothing is easy. I don't mean the "can't finish a cup of hot coffee, haven't slept all night in months, have to practically pack a suitcase just to take the baby to Target" kind of hard, even though yes yes and yes to all of those things.  I just feel like I can never just feel something, do something, check something off my list and move on.  Everything is a jumbled mess in my brain and every one emotion has fifteen others tied to it and I think I have some kind of break down every day.  Maybe it's a happy one, maybe it's a sad one, maybe it's an angry one, but it is really a daily thing...and I don't think it goes away.

I just got Viv down for a nap and the laundry is going and Josh is asleep on the couch and I've had Amy Poehler's book in my purse for two weeks now, just waiting for the right opportunity.  I got my coffee, (still hot!) and sat down to read for a few minutes.  I couldn't get through the preface without getting up 3 times to put Viv's pacifier back in. I went in the last time and stayed and watched her sleep for a minute, and the emotion tornado started again.  I was thinking about how I can't wait to see what she looks like as a big kid and wondering what she will talk about and think about and then how I can't even handle that and she needs to stay a baby and blah blah blah and I realize I'm just standing in her room crying. Again.

I had a work meltdown this week because I had a math training on Thursday.  It's been on my calendar for months and I had a sub set up and ready to go.  Over the weekend I panicked because I couldn't remember if I had a sub, realized I did, and made a mental note to write sub plans at school.  Mental notes don't work for me anymore.  Tuesday I started my sub plans, decided to see what we would get done on Wednesday and finish up after school.  Wednesday rolled around, and the thought of me not being at school the next day just never entered my brain.  I skipped out at 3:45 feeling really great about the fact that I was leaving on time and could still swing by the grocery store on my way home.  At 8:00 that night I finally remembered and had another meltdown about how I simply can't remember anything anymore.  It's not that I put things off...I just truly don't even think about them.  I missed an orthodontist appointment last week just because I forgot it about the day of.  I even told my nanny about it the day before.

I've really been struggling with the whole back to work thing.  There are days when I so love my job, and I really do enjoy the people I work with.  I will catch myself feeling happy and then feel really guilty about it, like I shouldn't be happy about leaving Viv with someone else while I'm out doing other things.  I have to pep myself up about how she is loved and safe and happy and those are the things everybody wants for their baby.  And then there are days when I can barely get myself out the door and I have to turn away from her sweet face and go to work and I can't even handle it.  I have to give myself a pep talk about how the work I'm doing is good and worthwhile and it's meaningful for others and I'm being a good example for her and whatever.  I wish that I just felt one thing and then I could make a decision and move on.  It's all too woven together and messy and it's too hard.

I think that this is probably one of those things that you just get used to.  I'm used to the not sleeping. I'm ok with packing my giant mama bag to go to Target.  I'm good at just putting my coffee in the microwave for a minute.  Maybe this is like that too.  I'll just get good at feeling thirty things at once and I'll get better at making lists because my brain can't do that on it's own anymore.

And I know that everything is so more than worth it.  Because really, look at that face ;)