Stir Crazy

I haven't posted in two years, but it certainly doesn't feel like that long.  Viv was only 6 months old, and I had recently gone back to work after maternity leave.  Today, Viv is 2 and our new Ellie girl is 4 months old.  I'm staying home with the girls, and in a lot of ways, I feel like we're right back where we were when Viv was tiny.

I was just starting to feel normal.  Viv has been getting to be a lot more independent in a lot of ways and is so much fun, so it seemed like a great time to add another!  I'd forgotten how hard the first few months can be, but we are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I am cooking dinner again.  Today, I'm taking them both to the grocery store by myself.  Little things, but things that make all the difference.  It was so easy for me to go into hermit mode, even before I had the girls, but now with babies, it's even easier.  It's a lot of work to get out of the house and sometimes I don't know if the effort it takes is worth the fun we get out of it.  But two weeks ago, I was about to go crazy.  I was feeling trapped and sad and contemplating going back to work to be able to feel some kind of normalcy again.  So last week I got brave and took the girls out every single day.  We went to the park, we went to the Heard museum, when it was cold we just went to Target.  It helped me so much.  Viv was happier because she wasn't cooped up,  and I was happier too.  I didn't have to pretend to be Simba, or Mickey, or whoever alllll day long, and she got to run around and play.  Win win. I left the girls with Josh for the first time and went out with Lindsey for her birthday.  We have a babysitter lined up for next weekend.  Look at me go!

Normal is coming.  I can feel it.

Tornado Brain

I'm finding that the hardest thing about life with a baby right now is that nothing is easy. I don't mean the "can't finish a cup of hot coffee, haven't slept all night in months, have to practically pack a suitcase just to take the baby to Target" kind of hard, even though yes yes and yes to all of those things.  I just feel like I can never just feel something, do something, check something off my list and move on.  Everything is a jumbled mess in my brain and every one emotion has fifteen others tied to it and I think I have some kind of break down every day.  Maybe it's a happy one, maybe it's a sad one, maybe it's an angry one, but it is really a daily thing...and I don't think it goes away.

I just got Viv down for a nap and the laundry is going and Josh is asleep on the couch and I've had Amy Poehler's book in my purse for two weeks now, just waiting for the right opportunity.  I got my coffee, (still hot!) and sat down to read for a few minutes.  I couldn't get through the preface without getting up 3 times to put Viv's pacifier back in. I went in the last time and stayed and watched her sleep for a minute, and the emotion tornado started again.  I was thinking about how I can't wait to see what she looks like as a big kid and wondering what she will talk about and think about and then how I can't even handle that and she needs to stay a baby and blah blah blah and I realize I'm just standing in her room crying. Again.

I had a work meltdown this week because I had a math training on Thursday.  It's been on my calendar for months and I had a sub set up and ready to go.  Over the weekend I panicked because I couldn't remember if I had a sub, realized I did, and made a mental note to write sub plans at school.  Mental notes don't work for me anymore.  Tuesday I started my sub plans, decided to see what we would get done on Wednesday and finish up after school.  Wednesday rolled around, and the thought of me not being at school the next day just never entered my brain.  I skipped out at 3:45 feeling really great about the fact that I was leaving on time and could still swing by the grocery store on my way home.  At 8:00 that night I finally remembered and had another meltdown about how I simply can't remember anything anymore.  It's not that I put things off...I just truly don't even think about them.  I missed an orthodontist appointment last week just because I forgot it about the day of.  I even told my nanny about it the day before.

I've really been struggling with the whole back to work thing.  There are days when I so love my job, and I really do enjoy the people I work with.  I will catch myself feeling happy and then feel really guilty about it, like I shouldn't be happy about leaving Viv with someone else while I'm out doing other things.  I have to pep myself up about how she is loved and safe and happy and those are the things everybody wants for their baby.  And then there are days when I can barely get myself out the door and I have to turn away from her sweet face and go to work and I can't even handle it.  I have to give myself a pep talk about how the work I'm doing is good and worthwhile and it's meaningful for others and I'm being a good example for her and whatever.  I wish that I just felt one thing and then I could make a decision and move on.  It's all too woven together and messy and it's too hard.

I think that this is probably one of those things that you just get used to.  I'm used to the not sleeping. I'm ok with packing my giant mama bag to go to Target.  I'm good at just putting my coffee in the microwave for a minute.  Maybe this is like that too.  I'll just get good at feeling thirty things at once and I'll get better at making lists because my brain can't do that on it's own anymore.

And I know that everything is so more than worth it.  Because really, look at that face ;)

Crib-tastic

Well, I wrote this a little over two months ago and never got around to posting....better late than never.  That's my new motto.



As of last week, Vivi has been sleeping in her own crib!  I feel like this is one of the great accomplishments of my life.  Really, it has nothing to do with me....luckily she is just a pretty good sleeper.  I know that because I just typed that, she'll wake up 9 times tonight and refuse to nap tomorrow.  I'll try not to jinx us.  Also, I know that this is not exciting news to anyone outside of my immediate household - so basically if you're not Josh you don't care - but this is my serious life event right now.

It was probably a little over a month ago when I felt like maybe we should start transitioning her to her own room, rather than having her in the swing right beside the bed.  She slept great in it and would sometimes wake up and just need me to put her pacifier back in her mouth, so I was dreading moving her simply out of convenience and the distance I would have to walk for pacifier duty.  But she was doing great, and I had read that the first step of getting her into her crib was to move her swing to her room so she could get used to the environment, and we wouldn't be changing everything at once.

Loving her swing

So after a few consecutive days of napping in the swing in her room, we decided to try it over night.  I was seriously a nervous wreck.  I started thinking of every possible thing that could go wrong...most of it was normal stuff that most moms probably think of...what if she stops breathing? What if she starts choking and I don't hear her?  But I also started thinking of really ridiculous things like, What if that room is haunted? I had never slept in there, so I didn't know for sure.  What if she became possessed?  What if I turned on the monitor and she was sitting up in her swing starting at me with demon eyes?  I seriously lost it.  And started crying.

So my sweet husband volunteered to go sleep on the floor in her room just to make sure she was safe....and probably just to get out of bed with a crazy woman.  I didn't sleep well and kept waking up when I heard her wiggle around and was staring at the monitor all night.  After I saw Josh get up to give her a pacifier several times I started to feel guilty because he had to go to work the next day and wasn't getting any sleep, so at 2:00 am I went in and told him I would trade places.  Worst idea ever.  I basically laid there all night staring at the ceiling, jumping at every weird noise, and trying not to make too much noise so I didn't wake her up.  My nose kept running because I was laying so flat on the floor, and I needed to go to the bathroom. I was having flashbacks of being  at a slumber party as a kid and being too afraid to get up and go to the bathroom because I didn't want to wake anyone up and because their house might be haunted.  Of course.  So, back to our room she went for the next month.  

Last week we made the move to the crib and so far it's been great!  We got a wedge to put under her mattress and that has helped with her reflux, and she still sleeps in her Woombie.  That will be the next big switch - to get her to sleep without being swaddled!  I ordered this crazy outfit, the Merlin Magic Sleepsuit, that is supposed to muffle their startle reflex enough that they won't wake themselves up, without having to keep them wrapped up so tight.  She won't have anything to do with it, so it's only worked as good photoshop inspiration for Josh.

Victory!

Other fun things:

3 months old!

Visiting the Pumpkin Patch

Helping Dad celebrate

10 Weeks Old!

Ten weeks ago today, just about this time in the morning, I woke up and thought I'd peed the bed.  Now I'm in my living room hooked up to my pump like a dairy cow while Josh and Vivi snooze away.  Motherhood is glamorous.

What a ride these weeks have been!  Ten weeks ago, Josh and I had gone to Bahama Bucks with my Dad, Angie, and Katie and then spent the evening at the pool.  I was complaining about how big I was and hoping this baby would come out soon!  I couldn't sleep that night and woke up at about 3 to go to the bathroom, as usual, and then was up until a little after 5.  I'd dozed off on and on a bit, and then woke up with a start because I thought I'd either peed the bed or my water had broken - both options were quite reasonable at the time.

Once I knew for sure what was going on, I took a shower, had some breakfast and off we went to the hospital.  We got checked in and settled, but I was having no contractions.  Typically, you need to deliver a baby within 24 hours or so of your water breaking so you don't risk an infection, so we started pitocin to give me contractions at about 10 that morning.  I made it until 4 or so that afternoon before I had an epidural, and thank you baby Jesus for good drugs!

Looking like goobers on the way to the hospital

I remember when I started having contractions and thinking, "Oh I got this!  I can breathe through this like a boss." And then it just got worse. and worse. and worse. until I thought I was going to die.  I don't think I have a strong tolerance for pain, but I seriously don't know how women do that for hours! I think if I had known exactly how long it was going to take - if I had a set goal in mind - I might have had the willpower to stick it out, but when I was offered immediate relief and it was right within reach, I gladly took it.  After that, I just relaxed and watched some HGTV until it was Go Time.  Next baby, I'm just gonna get that epidural at check in ;)

Our sweet Vivienne was born at 9:25 pm, weighed 7 pounds 4 ounces, and was 20.25 inches long.  During the delivery, I was just focused on getting that baby out, but to hear Josh tell his side of that process is hysterical.  I'm going to try and get him to write it out for me so we don't forget, and I'll post it.  I don't think I would do it justice by retelling it myself.

Snuggling with my love!

We stayed at the hospital for two nights and then came home.  I don't understand how women deliver babies and then look cute when it's time to go home.  I have a "decent" looking picture of me right after I delivered, but two days later I looked like a wreck! I could barely shampoo my own hair, let alone blow dry it and put on makeup.  Maybe I'm a wimp, but I thought the first week postpartum was ten times harder than the actual delivery.

Lookin' rough for the drive home

The first two weeks were pretty rough, but after that it got easier and easier.  I am feeling kind of normal now...pudgy but normal.  I've had so many friends tell me how much weight they lost simply by breastfeeding.  Even my lactation consultant told me to pretty much eat whatever I wanted because my body would just do it's thing and I'd be back to normal in no time.  I call BS.  I have not lost a pound - not one single pound since I got home from the hospital.  Looks like Jillian Michaels and I are going to be best friends soon.  I know it's not so bad. Healthy baby, healthy mama - a little pudge won't hurt.  I'm just ready for my pants to fit ;) Oh, and to not have porn star boobs.

Viv is great.  It will probably take me an hour to sort through all the pictures on my phone and decide which ones to include.  She screamed a lot - A LOT - during the first few weeks, especially in the evenings, but I think those days are just about over.  We've got some reflux issues but I think we're getting that all worked out too.  She's smiling more and more, and I feel like we'll get a giggle any day now.  She doesn't really like tummy time yet, but she loves this little play mat we have that has a mirror on it so she can see herself.  She won't sleep in her crib yet, or in the pack and play we have in our room.  If we lay her flat, she wakes right up, even when she's swaddled.  She sleeps great in the MamaRoo next to our bed, but I know we need to start switching over eventually.  She sleeps from about 8 pm to 4 am, has a bottle, and then goes back down from 5-7, so I don't want to move her and mess up our groove!

1st Month:

Just 3 days old :)

4 Days Old

Almost a month old

So happy to be 1 month old

2nd Month:

Having fun at Lucy's 1st Birthday Luau

We see this face a lot :)

Trying to snuggle with Dad

Love that smile!

I love my Woombie!

Tummy Time

2 Months Old!

4 Years and Counting

Four years ago today, we said "I do!" This morning, we got to see our little peanut during an ultrasound :)  It's been a fun four years, but I think the real adventure is just about to start!

And a few from our adventures...

Josh's first weekend in Texas

My first weekend in Ohio

Cabo! 

Honeymoon in Dominican Republic

At the Colosseum in Rome

Florence

Florence

2nd Anniversary

Bear Carving in Colorado with Papa

Just a typical night ;)

It's a Girl!

Scott and Allee's Wedding a couple of weeks ago

I was hoping to add Viv's sonogram picture but we can't see her face.  I was bummed, but the good news is that we can't see her because she's already sitting so low - good news when delivering babies :)

Another piece of good news: No 10 pound baby!  The lady who did our ultrasound said that she is usually within 8 ounces and Viv is measuring 7 pounds 12 ounces right now (still sounded really big to me!) and that she could gain up to 1/2 pound a week.  I'll be 39 weeks Friday so hopefully she'll decide to come out soon.  I go back tomorrow to see the doctor and we'll go from there.  My guess is that since she isn't abnormally giant, we'll stick to the original game plan and wait for her to come out on her own, and induce on July 10 if she decides to wait that long.  Fingers crossed that she doesn't make us wait another two weeks!